Wednesday, July 29, 2009

All Known Metal Bands

Special thanks to the genius who had the good sense to send me a copy of All Known Metal Bands. That's right: 300 black pages, with ultra-tiny gray print, alphabetically listing the names of all known metal bands. A more awesomely pointless object could hardly be conceived. I have already spent several minutes looking through, wondering what bands with names like Satan's Almighty Penis, Fecal Christ, and Vomit Snack sound like.

As with all things metal, there is of course a controversy over authenticity. Reviewers on Amazon claim that the list is stolen from the Metal Archives website. One reviewer sums things up nicely:
There's no way I could buy this and not feel like a jerk. Coffee table books aren't metal. Paying twenty bucks for free (potentially stolen) information is definitely not metal. Even if you dislike metal, this book won't help you articulate why.

15 comments:

Paul Gowder said...

Spiros, this is a philosophy and pop culture volume you need to edit: the philosophy of metal. And then someone can finally tease out this concept of metalness. I take it that it's a normative concept, but what behavior satisfies it? Hail satan.

Spiros said...

I would do so, but I've just learned that "Coffee table books aren't metal."

English Jerk said...

I think those kvetching Amazon reviewers don't quite get the McSweeney's ethos. A case in point: One of the McSweeney's gang attempted (unsuccessfully) to persuade Xlibris to publish a novel titled "Rollercoaster" whose contents consisted of a capital W followed by 137 pages of lowercase e's (see issue #5).

Anonymous said...

Who has more coherent latin, black metal bands or christian hardcore bands?

Spiros said...

Anon 2:57:

Excellent question! I['m not able to weigh in, due to my shabby Latin. But it would be good to know.

Paul Gowder said...

And is there variation between catholic and protestant metal bands? (Are there catholic metal bands?)

imipolex-g_unit said...

I think it's logically possible for there to be a coffee table book that was totally metal. It would be in black ink on black paper and bound in human skin, for starters.

Anonymous said...

I've just learned that "Coffee table books aren't metal."

If I remember correctly, Madonna's book _Sex_ literally had a metel cover, and was arguably a coffee table book. (It was big, mostly pictures with some inane writing, etc. That mostly is what makes something a coffee table book, no?)

Glaucon said...

Has the book been approved by the
Supreme Metal Council
?

The Brooks Blog said...

I'll happy join you, Spiros -- but I agree this can be no "coffee table" book. Perhaps it is a book that could be as fun to read as it is to throw?

Juggalosophy said...

Now, what if, instead of a 'coffee table book' it would be a 'chalice-of-human-blood-table book'?

Or perhaps a Chainsaw Gutsbook?

The Wolf said...

Peter Beste's "True Norwegian Black Metal" book disproves the notion that "coffee table books aren't metal".

Evidence: http://www.peterbeste.com/bm.html

Santa said...

I think a proper metal coffee table book would be one that is so infused with the memes of metal, that it does not even need to name any metal bands between its covers.

The Necronomicon Ex Mortis from Evil Dead would definitely be a very metal coffee table book.

Likewise, one of those Taschen borderline porn photo art books seem very metal like. After all many metal musicians like strippers and porn.

Maybe even one of the H.R.Geiger coffee table books might be considered like a metal coffee table book.

But do you need a coffee table in order to buy a coffee table book?

Viagra Online said...

Great! because I love metal music that's my life style, actually I like wearing with black clothes and long coats when I'm going to my girlfriend's house.m10m

Viagra Free Samples said...

It is indeed a great item, but with Internet, one can find all the names without buying this one.